What Kind of Lesbian Am I? / Lesbos

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Lesbians, like most everything in the world, come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. Though the many subdivisions are essentially infinite, lesbians can be broken down into 4 distinct categories: Lesbo, Lesbian, Dyke, and Bulldyke. If you haven't noticed yet, I use all these terms mostly interchangeably when speaking of lesbians in general. What a lot of people don’t know is that these are also very specific types of lesbians. It’s kind of like bees and wasps and shit like that. Sure they’re all different, but they’re all bees in the end.

Lesbos are kind of like lite lesbians. To the untrained eye, they can be confused as not even being lesbian’s at all. Their most striking feature is their beauty. You know that cheerleader you always wanted to bang in school? The really hot one that would never talk to you no matter what you tried to do? Don’t worry, it’s not because you were a dork.

Yes, you did sit at the table in the farthest corner of the lunchroom with the worst assortment of friends. You spent your time splattering fake shit all over bathroom stalls and looking at porn during lunch hour. You didn’t shower often, and you exclusively wore sweatpants and old stretched out T-shirts.

But you were a ladies man. True, they didn’t really know it, but they all wanted to be with you. Deep down, they all knew that you were the boss. They didn’t laugh at your jokes for fear that it would crush the other, far less intellectual men. And there was always that one girl that you were always with. The one with the stomach that bulged further than her tits. With the hideously deformed nose and a leg that was shorter than the other. She loved you.

But that isn’t why you couldn’t have Misty. No my friend, it was no fault of yours. She was a lesbo. A freakin’ hot, glorious lesbo. A lot of chicks you probably want to bang are lesbos. In fact, 99% of all gorgeous girls are really lesbos. How do you know if a specific girl is in fact a lesbo? Well, chances are they pretty much will ignore you in most public places. Sometimes they do things with groups of guys, but don’t be fooled, those men are faggots. Most of the time.

Lesbos are not only the hottest type of lesbian you’ll find, but they’re the hottest women in the world. Most of the awesome girl on girl porn that’s out there is of lesbos going at it. The only problem with lesbos is that most other brands of lesbians up the food chain aren’t too fond of them. Not so much the lesbians. And dykes are generally alright with them. But not the bulldykes. Holy crap, bulldykes fucking hate lesbos.

I heard this rumor from this guy on the L that bulldykes actually declared war on the lesbos back in 1986. The big problem is that lesbos, though “lesbian lite,” don’t generally do guys. Back in late 1985, some bulldyke tried to get fucking freak nasty with a lesbo. In the sheer confusion that usually ensues during a rabid bulldyke attack, the lesbo rejected the bulldyke thinking she was some really ugly guy.

Though this was an honest mistake, bulldykes really don’t take any shit from anyone. Seriously, the average beastly bulldyke could fucking body slam me on my biggest day. This bulldyke in particular didn’t take too kindly to this slight and went on a rampage. She started flipping tables and snarling like a “god damn rabid wolverine.”

Naturally, the lesbo ran for her beautiful life. Thank god, cause I’m sure she probably went on to make some hot porn. But the bulldyke spread the word about this perceived slight. Within a week, every bulldyke on the eastern seaboard knew of this atrocity. By months end, the bulldyke world was in an uproar.


But I'm getting ahead of myself again, I’ll get to all that later. But it's all true. If Shakespeare said it, than it has to be true. Oh, I'm talking about the Shakespeare the homeless dude, not the limey bastard that you read in school. No shit, buddy. Anyway, lesbos are pretty. And hot.

Here are some fun facts about lesbos!

  • Lesbos are known for their sweet smell that’s reminiscent of Windex and pepperoni pizza.
  • The very first lesbo was a major factor in the ending the Great Depression.
  • The only reason that the Rapture hasn’t occurred is because Jesus loves lesbos.

  • Though women only make 70% of what men make in the workplace, that number is skewed because lesbos actually make 5 times more than men. We like to keep them around at any cost.
  • Lesbos can’t swim but they float by nature, so it’s alright.
  • Lesbos can actually fly, but federal regulations keep them from doing it in public.

There is one thing about lesbos that does bother me from time to time: they can be pretty hard to spot. The problem is simple yet annoying. All lesbos are fucking smokin hot, but not all hotties are lesbos. It’s like God is taunting us. And it’s hard to test out whether or not such and such hottie is a lesbo. Don’t worry though, I have come up with a nearly foolproof method to solve this problem.

Alright guy, so say you’re at a bar and some girl sits down across the bar from you that gives you an instant boner. Holy shit, I know! That happens all the time. So anyway, in this situation you have a 90% chance of being in the midst of a lesbo. Now what?

I’ll tell you what, get the fuck up and go over to talk to her. By talk to her, I mean stalk her from as many different angles as you can while pounding as much beer as you can get your hands on.

Pro Tip!!! Don’t want to pay for beer? Just steal them off the tables while you walk around. You’re at a bar so all these people are drunks. They won’t notice!

After about 3 hours of watching and drinking, you should have enough beer running through your system to make your move. Try not to hobble as you work your way up to the woman. As you get within striking distance, take your index finger and slide it across her neck. If she turns around and ends up being a man, then you’re fucked. And not in the good way.

If not, proceed to grope her with all your might as you mumble incoherently about how perky her tits are. Hopefully she’s not damaged goods and has tits that sag to her fucking kneecaps. Then she’ll think your making fun of her and... you’re fucked. If she has a sense of humor, then maybe in the good way.


Now here’s where it gets interesting; all women love extremely drunk men with raging boners. It’s true, test it out. If this woman is not a lesbo, you still win because you’re gonna at least get a blowjob in the bathroom. Just hope she doesn’t have like a touch of the Downs or something cause she may bite it a little.

Maybe she’s a real skank and she takes you back to her place to get plowed on her Step-Dad’s bed. Be careful though, 7 times out of 10 Step Dad is also in the bed and wants to be part of the action. This step dad has a giant cock, and he’s not interested in her. PS: He doesn’t like lube. He says it feels like he’s fucking Slimer.

If you don’t get to lay some pipe, guess what? You're still a winner! It’s like playing bingo with retards! Any woman that turns you down in this specific situation is actually a lesbo. Either that or she has balls.
But sometimes something amazing happens. Lesbos are actually allowed to sleep with up to 2 men per year. It’s not that they really enjoy it or anything, it’s just they don’t like to hurt peoples’ feelings. That’s another thing about lesbians that you may not have known: they are the nicest, most generous people you’ll meet.

Sleeping with a lesbo is kind of weird. They don’t really get into it or anything. Sometimes they even fall asleep right in the middle of the act. Not that it matters, I’ve never thought that a chick needs to be awake when you’re banging her. And if it does start to bother you, just jack in her anyway. Make her preggo, dude! The best punishment.

Pro Tip!!! If they don’t know your name, you don’t have to pay child support.

Here’s the most important and final part of the lesbo test: If they never talk to you again after you sleep with them, they are for sure a lesbo. To them, they were just doing their duty. They’re kind of like cheerleaders in that way. They’re just making people happy. By the way, all cheerleaders except the skanky ones that sleep with the entire football team are lesbos.


On to the Lesbians!