Lesbian History

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Lesbians have a rich and storied past in the annals of history. From Star over at Diamond’s Gentleman’s Club to Rosie O’Donnell, lesbian’s have been making a difference in all our lives for as long as most anybody can remember.

Lesbians have been around pretty much forever. The Virgin Mary? A lesbian (she was a “virgin” for a reason). Mother Teresa? Turbo dyke. Oh, and Helen Keller made the best of her sense of touch. I heard she even liked the taste of asshole. Oh, and your Mom’s a dyke too.

See, lesbians just didn’t really get so POPULAR until recently. Sure, lots of people loved lesbians, but throughout time some people just plain despised them. I don’t get it, they weren’t like Greek people. Running around with little boys and whatnot. Hate Greek people, not the lesbians.

All this acceptance of lesbians started in the seventies when some chick cut her hair really short and some other chick thought she was a dude and they started making out. The guy down the street witnessed this at Starship Discovery, and he said he was never the same. From there, its history.

A bunch of dudes were all there and one of them noticed that it was 2 chicks making out and he got really pumped about it. He started running around the club with his belt around his head and he took his shirt off, and started screaming about the 2 chicks kissing. He got kicked out like 5 minutes later. They found a bunch of coke on him.

But on this fateful night, he almost started a riot. Not a crazy race war riot or something nasty like that. Everybody circled around the girls and they had flashlights and they were all yelling crazy crap. Then the lights went out and somebody pulled out a double dong and the chicks starting using it, then all the people in the club started yelling “Ass to ass!” It was awesome.

Well, that was actually a movie. Did you see it? Everybody told me that it messed them up, but I don’t see what the big deal is. Keith David was pretty funny. Yeah, some people did some drugs and stuff and that guy lost his arm. So what? Go to Chicago. Watching the crazy homeless people out there is like Requiem For a Dream 2: Ass to Ass With a Vengeance. And I guarantee you'll find some dude with only one arm and another that looks like Keith David. Double points if you could find one person that fits both bills.
So yeah….

After that night at the club everything was different. Chicks started making out in public all the time. Then they started making porno movies and everything took off better than the Challenger mission. My godfather told me that after he saw his first girl on girl porn (Which may have been the first one ever. He really likes watching porn.) he could never look at a woman the same way again.

People would start walking through the streets and get hit by cars because they were always watching the women waiting for them to all start dyking it up with each other. And they did it for a reason. Back in the seventies, they would just start going at it right in the middle of intersections and everything.

The seventies was a great era to be a lesbian. I think it was because of the hippies. I hate hippies more than anything, but they liked lesbians. That’s like the one thing in the hippies’ favor. Hippies are dirty, they stink, and they buy all the Salsa Verde Doritos. At least now that they don’t make those, so it’s one less thing for me to bitch about.



After the 70’s, lesbianism took a turn for the worse on a few fronts. For one, people didn’t like them as much anymore. At least not in public. If you wanted to like dykes, you had to do it in private. Look at American Psycho; Christian Bale had to go out and get hookers and make them go at it. Then he killed them. Kind of a waste of a lesbian, but they probably had AIDS anyway.

Also, the lesbians started to get really ugly. The 80’s were the era of the Last Ditch Lesbian. These were the women that were way too ugly for anybody to actually like, so they just decided to chase each others snatch. That’s kind of against the Lesbian Code. The love of other women needs to be pure. You think homo’s go gay just cause they can’t get a girlfriend? No, if a guy can’t get a girlfriend he just starts playing World of Warcraft.

The 80’s were great for Wall Street, but they were terrible for lesbians. Ugly pant suits. Those stupid shoulder pads. Terrible fucking hairdo’s. But at least we had Ah-Ha. I listen to “Take On Me” when I’m doing most anything important in my life, such as: driving, crapping, taking a shower, beating the shit out of my kids, etc...

I don’t even want to talk about the 80’s. It just makes me depressed and I have to go gamble away my wife’s savings at the horse races. I have to curtail that a bit these days, because she’s starting to catch on and I don’t want to have to kill her.

The 90’s saw a bit of a renewal of lesbo love. I think it was because of Melissa Etheridge and KD Lang. Actually, there were a lot of lesbians that were big in the 90’s. The hottest was Jewel. She was in the Lilith Fair, so I’m pretty sure she’s a lesbian. Her teeth are kind of messed up, but that’s fine because her body is smoking.

But the biggest lesbian developments were Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen Degeneres. Dreams come true… with Rosie. Or at least that’s what my sister says. Rosie, Ellen, and Melissa Etheridge formed the Lesbian Trifecta of Terror for all the conservatives. They helped push lesbians into awesomeness for all of us and helped get rid of the nasty residue of the cat piss smelling 80’s lesbian.

Really, that’s all you need to know about the true history of lesbians. I don't think it was necessary to go into these details, but to truly love something you need to get to know it. This was just the beginning of your journey, so I hope you’re ready.


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