How Do I Become a Lesbian?
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Lesbians are awesome, we’ve already gone over that. But what makes them so great? Well, everything! We’re talking thousands of years worth of refinement leading to the lesbians of the present and beyond. If you want to become a lesbo this day in age, you need to know the rules of what's acceptable in today’s lesbian culture.
Alright, so you want to be a lesbian? How do you know? Fuck man, it’s not like dudes. If some gentleman wants to know if he’s a fag, it’s not as easy as looking in the mirror and saying; “I’m fucking hot and I’d do me.” No. It’s a long scary process. First, you gotta stick your finger up your ass.
If you can do that without getting grossed out, then you move up to to something a bit more... substantial. Like a billy club. The proper etiquette when putting a police stick up your ass involves a grocery bag, a rubber band, and a lot of Vaseline. Cover the billy club with the grocery bag and secure it with the rubber-band. Though you don’t have to worry about STD’s when dealing with pieces of wood, you do have to worry about ass splinters. Don’t ease it in when you finally decide you're ready to give it a go; you gotta jam that fucker in like your plunging a toilet. If you don’t believe me, go watch Brokeback Mountain. There's no such thing as “easing it in.”
Alright, so the billy club is firmly entrenched up your ass. Do you like it? If so, then you’re a fucking faggot. If you didn’t like it, then you need to keep trying. You don’t want to wake up some day and realize you’re gay when you could have known for sure if you just stuck a stick up your ass a few more times 10 years ago. That ruins 95% of marriages.
OK, so you gotta try at least 5 more times. If you still don’t like it then it's time to move onto something bigger... like a broomstick. Maybe deep down you’re a fag, but you only like guys that have giant cocks. See, I bet you didn’t know how many angles you have to look at this from.
But a word of warning here: when you get to the broomstick level, do it on the floor. Trust me. Don’t try to stand on a chair or something, because if you fall (and you will) that thing is going all in whether you like it or not. Then you end up with a fucking broom sticking out of your ass at the emergency room. You can’t explain that away. Just lay down and put the end of the broom against the wall and wiggle down on it.
This final step is the most important: If fingers, billy clubs, and broomsticks don’t get you off, you need to go the extra mile to be sure you're not gay. Go to Hunters or The Manhole or any other place like that and pick up a guy. Now here’s the most important thing to remember: You need to suck his cock AND have him fuck you. That is very important. What you're trying to find out at this point is if you’re one of those dudes that just likes to suck another dude’s dick or if you're a full blown homo.
Pro Tip!!! Pick up a tranny! If you make it through this whole ordeal and know that you’re not a homo, you don’t want to come to that realization with some Bear Force 1 guy’s cock up your asshole. It’s OK if it’s a chick's cock though. That’s actually pretty hot.
In the end, it can take a guy 3-7 years to really know if he’s gay. It’s not like that at all with lesbians. For one, if you have a sister you can find out together. It’s not like brothers. It’s just not right for brothers to be make hot, sticky gay love together due to the possibility of pregnancy. Lesbos can’t become pregnant unless they want to or they sit on a toilet that my cousin just jacked on.
9/30/2011
Lesbians kind of just know if they are one and the decision on whether or not to be a lesbian isn’t as much of a change as a dude being gay. With guys, you’re just trying to figure out if you like dicks floating around your face and asshole area. Lesbians just want to know if they’re going to live a boring life as a married women making sandwiches and fucking mailmen, or if they’re gonna be loved by dudes and women everywhere.
If you’re ready to make that commitment, then you’ve just made the best decision of your life. For one, you don’t have to stick anything up your ass to see of you like it. You can like jamming dildos up your ass, but it’s not a big deal if you don’t. In fact, lesbian’s don’t really like anything that regular girls don’t... except for the whole vagina licking thing.
Second, now all you have to do is sit around naked with girls and lick Popsicles. Or you can be an artist. It’s a well documented fact that all lesbians are artists in one form or another. Most of the time, they just do paintings or take photographs about man hating. They do fucked up sculptures too. But don’t be scared, they don’t really hate men. They just like to make them think that they’re man haters to keep the men from trying to convert them to being straight women.
But after you decide to make that commitment, you have to decide on what kind of lesbian you're going to be. This is very important, as it will determine everything from how many men you can interact with to how much you need to worry about your personal hygiene.
Deciding to be a lesbian is the easy part, now the fun begins.