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What makes a lesbian? Better yet, what makes a lesbian so awesome? This is a timeless question, and the answer isn’t quite as easy to come upon as you’d think. But I do know this: lesbians ARE awesome.
I’m basically an expert on lesbians. In a way, I’m actually kind of like a lesbian. As you can see, I meet all 3 of the requirements:

1- I like chicks.
2- I like watching chicks go at it.
3- I have boobs... It's cool because I'm able to still play with and/or suck on boobs.

There's no denying that I’m probably the most qualified person in the world to talk about girl on girl lifestyles. And trust me, my knowledge base is insane! I’m like that torture dude in Lethal Weapon: I’ve forgotten more about lesbians than you’ll ever know.

You may be surprised to know that a lot of people are afraid of lesbians. This is an idea that I could never really wrap my head around. It’s not like they’re fags or something. They’re just girls that like the taste of vag. You have to respect that. Personally, I hope my daughter turns into a lesbian and I walk in on her double donging it with some snaggle toothed Asian girl or something. I’d be the proudest father in the world.

But forgive me, I’m getting ahead of myself here. I guess you at least deserve to know a little bit more about me and what I’m going to teach you in this book. My name is David. My hobbies include: Shaving my balls, combing the high schools for dates, combing the elementary schools for dates, shaving my balls while looking for dates at said schools, hitting people with socks full of quarters, cranking off, trying to find transvestites, porn, your mom, and baby-sitting.

Before you ask, I haven't always been a lesbo expert. You’d think that with all the information I have filed away in my head that I popped out of my mom with infinite wisdom in the ways of fisting. Sadly, no.



I didn’t even know about lesbians till I was like 5 years old. I was outside trying to climb a tree (which was impossible because I was too fat and my arms couldn’t tow me up) and some dude was driving by in an awesome Firebird. It was one of those really cool ones from the Kid Rock video that has the giant phoenix on the hood. He was driving by real fast, and he was probably snorting coke off of a severed hookers leg or something bad-ass like that. Then out of nowhere, he tossed a bag out his window and drove away.

At first, I was afraid to go to the bag. I had to be cautious because there could have been anything in there. Moldy bananas, puke, AIDS, 9/11, a baby.... anything. I wasn’t ready for a baby in my life yet. Especially a bag baby. Those are the worst! But after a while, I didn’t hear any crying or anything. At this point I figured I’d be fine. Maybe I’d have another crack pipe to add to my collection? A boy can only dream!

But it was better than all of that! I have to say that it was the most awesome thing in the world. Kid Rock bestowed upon me the gift of porn! This was the best day ever. Even now, I still look back on this as the defining moment of my life.

Think about it: Some fat ass 5 year old kid with like 1 friend finds a magical bag of porn in his front yard. OK I lied, I had no friends. But a whole new world unfolded in front of my eyes across those stiff, stained pages. I saw boobs! Then I saw some wieners, too. Big ones, man. I was really scared about that, and I still am. To this day, I have an aversion to lumberjacks.

The gentlemen banging the girls are nice and all, but it was the spread in the middle of the book with the 2 chicks on roller skates making out that really got me going. It was like I saw God’s plan for me on those pages. From there, I was on a mission to learn everything I could about what my hillbilly neighbor called “dykes.”

And that's where I am today. I feel confident that I truly do know all that there is to know about lesbos. I know where they’re from, what they like, where they go on vacation. It would be a crime for me to keep all of this information to myself. For that reason, I’ve written this as a guide for all you chicks out there that want to dyke it up. Also, I want to create a reference for all you people out there that are interested about lesbians but are afraid to figure it all out on your own. Enjoy.


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