The Room!!!


Let us talk movies. More importantly, let's talk about The Room. Wait, you don't know about The Room? My friend, I'm sorry to inform you, but your life officially sucks. Make a point of partaking in the greatest cinematic adventure since The Happening.

That may be a little bit of a stretch since The Happening came out after The Room, but turn your brain off. Trust me, that's something you're going to want to do if you watch The Room. This is a movie that was written by a man that hates women. If I had to give a synopsis of the movie, that statement about sums it up. It's a bad movie about some dude with a fiancee that is pure evil.

If this movie was put into a time capsule and was discovered thousands of years in the future by a race of beings looking for artifacts of the long extinct human race, they would be led to believe that guys are generally pretty good people, but the women folk are fucking nuts. The movie was written, directed, and produced by some dude named Tommy Wiseau.

So in a way, it's kind of like Rocky. This guy poured his heart into making his movie. The only difference is Sylvester Stallone was acting as a functioning retard boxer. Tommy Wiseau is just a barely functioning retard that's trying to act. I can explain what I'm talking about, but seeing him in action will truly make you understand.

Wait, there's more!!!

That's right, this movie was actully made and sold in the USA. Feel free to cry.

But lets not kid ourselves, if that was all there was to this movie, I wouldn't be telling you how amazing it is. In fact the story really doesn't matter and is only there to help lead you from one awkward sex scene to the next for what feels like the first god damn hour of the movie. Normally that's all I look for in my movies, but this isn't full penetration so there's nothing to get excited about here.

Yet the sex scenes are like a retarded kid trying to sing along with Who Let the Dogs Out; you just can't look away no matter how terrible they get. For one, most of the time you're looking at Tommy Wiseau's disgusting looking ass. It looks like a terrible art project that was crafted by the blind kid with Down Syndrome.

So monster ass is plowing his not hot girlfriend, and it won't take long for you to notice that you pretty much only get to see her right boob. That's how bad these sex scenes are, you start looking for things to make it interesting. I thought maybe she lost a tit in the war or something and they were trying to cover it up. But then in the next sex scene, which is like 5 minutes later, you see both boobs. My theory didn't hold water unless that was a CGI tit, but at least it made the first scene watchable. Which reminds me...

What ruins the sex is that the chick looks like crap. I mean, if I saw her naked on the street I may stop and look at her for a second, but that's about it. Maybe that's why Tommy has sex with her belly button. I'm not kidding, you see her get rammed by him twice and the logistics of it all just don't add up. Either he's got some kind of defect where his penis is attached to his left leg just above the knee, or he's sticking it in her stomach.

Then the not hot chick gets banged by some other dude on the stairs, and I just kept thinking to myself how uncomfortable it looked. If that chunky skank tried to get me to bang her on some narrow twisty stairs, I'd tell her to kiss my ass. But wait!!!! This is Tommy's best friend!!! Not only that, but he's like some horrible Casey Affleck wannabe look alike. And he has a majestic beard. Like some lumberjack Sancho.

After that, there is no more sex. You've got like an hour worth of bad softcore porn mixed with shots of the San Francisco bridge and then nothing. Not to say there's nothing more to like. See, Tommy's got a little boyfriend that like's to just randomly barge into the apartment, start pillow fights with Tommy when he's trying to bone the not hot chick, and then tell them he likes to watch.

This is my favorite character in the whole movie because he always seems to just pull a football out of nowhere and have everybody play catch with him. The only problem is that the movie centers on the core of 5 guys in America that have no clue how to play catch. I don't know about you, but when I play catch with my crew, we play in a tight circle with no more than 3 feet between us. That is except for the time we decide to play in tuxedos for no reason so the dorky guy can fall on his face. And did I tell you that the retarded kid almost got killed by a drug dealer? Oh yeah, that's because they throw it in the movie for one scene and nobody talks about it ever again.

Thinking about describing this movie any further is making my head hurt, so I just gotta condense. So the not hot chick decides she doesn't love Tommy, but she's still gonna marry him and throw him a huge birthday party. And since women are all evil, she tells her mom and her 1 friend. Instead of getting good advice or told how much of a bitch she is, they just think it's funny. All the while, we're told how great of a guy Tommy is. Then he throws a hissy fit at his party, throws his TV out a window (a TV that he carries around as if it weighs 5 pounds) and kills himself.

And you know what, I don't care that I just told you the ending. If you watch this movie for the story, you are retarded. Nobody can act, the story makes little sense, and the production values are on par with an 80's porn. Gay porn. This movie gets a solid 1 out of 10. But in terms of pure entertainment value, this movie is a 8. If you ever thought it would be a good idea to get together with your friends and make what you think was an awesome movie for $500, this movie will make you appreciate not following that dream. Learn from Tommy Wiseau's mistakes.

Holy shit, I think I just had an aneurysm