The Flare


The Flare is a thing of legend. This is an act this is only spoken of in hushed circles in the deepest darkest corners of the gay bar. It’s orgasmic power is legendary, as is the true spectacle of the act.

The Flare is a move that originated in 1977 when a couple of over anxious gay kids decided that paint enemas just weren’t doing it for them anymore, and they decided to shoot for something a bit more explosive. What happened next stunned the world, and then started a sexual revolution.

When I tested The Flare, I obviously attempted it in it’s original form. The lesbians adapted if to their liking, and I would venture a guess that it’s even more fulfilling for them given the sensation that it causes.

The first thing that you need to do is grab a funnel. If you’re a dude, stick the funnel in your asshole. Women can do it in either hole depending on what they prefer. Now you need to pour an entire packet of Pop Rocks into the hole. Let them sit a little so that they begin to pop.

Even in the butt, this is an extremely intense feeling. I’ve shook up bottles of pop and stuck those in my butt before, but I never felt something tingle like this before. But there’s more to this than you expected. Now you need your partner to pour an entire bottle of champagne in with the Pop Rocks. Don’t forget to shake the bottle before sticking it in the hole.

What happens next can only be explained as heaven. It’s like Eden in my butt. The second the champagne hits the pop rocks, you will cum. I’ve never seen anybody that didn’t. It’s like the bubbling power of peroxide, just without all the stinging pain. Oh yeah, while I’m on the subject, don’t ever try to put peroxide in your butt, vagina, or wiener. The bubbles feel amazing, but the stinging will make you want to die. Think about if a wasp flew into your butt and started to sting you over and over again. That’s it.

The fountain that erupts from your ass/vagina is one of the most glorious things you will ever see. What’s cool about it is that the fountain will take on the color of whatever flavor of Pop Rocks you had in there. The idea is that people can drink from your flavored fountain of love while you get off over and over. It’s really a treat for everybody involved. Except for the dude that gets a pube stuck in his teeth. Sucks to be that guy.

The bulldykes have evolved this act to something that even I am to afraid to try. They don’t use pop rocks and champagne, but they still get the same effect. Except it’s a much more powerful reaction.

If you’ve ever dropped Mentos into a bottle of pop, than you understand the power that I’m talking about. You do the same thing, except the soda isn’t in a bottle, it’s in your body. This is something that I would never expect anybody this side of Evil Knievel attempt.

It’s rumored that if the person that gets to become The Flare is light enough, this concoction can actually act almost like a rocket engine and send them flying across the room.

There are many uses for such a powerful tool. One, you can power wash your house. You would be the envy of your neighbors if they saw you outside using a lesbian’s vagina to clean anything, let alone your house. If you do it right, I’m sure you can get a range of at least 30 feet out of them. And you’d have to carry them around like a heavy weapons guy carrying a mini gun.

I think I would use my lesbian cannon to knock the kids off their bikes as they’re riding through my lawn. Nothing pisses me off more than those fucking kids, and I would love to see the look on their parents’ faces when they tell them they were knocked off their bike by the sticky discharge that came from some lesbian’s poon. I guarantee that they’d be too stupefied to even think about calling the cops or even admitting to anybody that something like that happened.

If you are going to try this act, make sure you take every precaution to make sure that everything is going to be done safely. You want to cover the wall in pillows to make sure nobody slams into them. You also want to make sure no electrical devices are nearby. You don’t want to get electrocuted to death while doing the most amazing sex act you will ever see.

The final step is the most important, especially if you are going to do this at a party. Make sure the person that’s becoming The Flare doesn’t have herpes. Think about it, you would effectively be creating a devastating herpes cannon, risking the sex lives of everybody in the 30 foot radius. You don’t need that in your life. I can tell you from experience that it’s not something that’s easy to live with.

But The Flare is well worth it in the end. Nothing can compare to the feeling of champagne or Coke rushing in than out of your insides. So go ahead and give it a try. But make sure you save it for special occasions. Even the greatest thing in the world can get boring after you do it every day. But it does leave your insides nice and clean.