The Lesbian

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Remember what I said about lesbos? Well throw most of that out. Don’t get me wrong, lesbians are still pretty fucking cool, but they’re no lesbos. So what’s different? Well lesbians aren’t quite as hot.

No no no, I’m not saying they look like a corpse or anything. I know some really hot lesbians. It’s just that lesbians have a little more of a chance to be the dude when they’re with another chick. In the end, they all lick vag so don’t worry.

Lesbians usually have shorter hair. Not like a Marine or anything. That’s saved for the the Bulldykes. It’s kind of more like Ellen than Susan Powter. Holy shit! Do you remember her? Jesus, she was scary as all Hell. She had 2 major things working against her and 1 deal breaker.

1.Her hair made me want to go puke in the fucking sewer. Seriously, I thought it was a dude with titties. You know, like Meatloaf in Fight Club. In fact, I bet Susan Powter can kick any fight club dude’s ass. Then she’d probably sodomize him when she was done kicking his ass with like a giant clit or something.

2.She always dressed like she was in Flashdance. That is perfectly acceptable if you don’t look like a bulldog/yeti mix, but that's clearly not the case here. I don’t want to see your freakishly manish arms or high school boy-ish legs. Put on a fucking dress or something. Or some baggy jeans and a fat dude’s sweatshirt. You’re scaring the kids.

Please note, the bulldog/yeti mix must be shaved. This is both for aesthetic AND hygienic purposes.


And then the deal breaker: She worked out all the fucking time. I’m sorry, but just stop the insanity. I bet she smelled like a God damn blue cheese burger 90 percent of the time. And that was if she chose to wear underwear that day. I heard that she would only have sex if it was while riding a bike or while running full speed.

Rumor has it that she would clamp onto a dude’s waist with her Gator Grip thighs and then arch her back and pretty much spider walk on her hands while the dude ran. 99% of the time this would make the guy break into tears after about 2 minutes. And there’s nothing sexy about that shit, so it takes like an hour to cum. By then you’ve already run like 6 miles. And to top it off, you realize that you just fucked Susan Powter. It takes like 15 showers and some Ajax at feel normal after that.

No, lesbian hair is usually just no longer than shoulder length and no shorter than that chick from The Matrix’s. If you ask me, that’s still pretty sweet. Unless it’s all greasy and nasty. Like she’s Italian or something and hasn’t taken a shower in 4 days. You wouldn’t want to touch that. It would be like rubbing your hands on the floor at McDonalds.


Shorter hair isn’t just a fashion choice; it also has a function. That shorter hair kind of gives the lesbians the sexual ambiguity needed to survive in the wild. You might not believe it, but a lesbian’s life is one of constant fear. There is a constant struggle from both sides of the fence to sway the lesbians to the other sides.

On one side, you got the dudes. By nature, dudes love lesbians. Not just a specific type, but the whole idea of lesbians. The only problem is that feelings aren’t usually mutual. Especially when you get to the tiers above the “lesbian” level. Dykes and bulldykes will under no circumstances be associated with men. Banging a dyke or bulldyke is the holy grail of manhood. Right up there with riding a shark while blowing shit up in South America.

Lesbians still have that air of possibility about them. Dudes think that maybe they can convert them. I’m not saying to make them straight or anything. That would be a tragedy. I wouldn’t want to live in a world where lesbians started to become boring old regular women. I don’t even want to think of that shit. I just get pissed off and want to headbutt my house until I die.

No, guys just want to have sex with lesbians. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Lesbians are allowed to have sex with 1 man every 2 years. But think about it, that's almost nothing. On top of that, most men on lesbian encounters just involve The Fist or just watching two lesbians go at it. At best, you just get some poon juice on your hand or shirt or something.

The standard dude’s ultimate goal in this situation is to convert the lesbians into lesbos. To be honest, I do see the benefits of this situation. Mostly you have a better chance to bang the lesbo. That’s a respectable goal. It's nothing that I would perosnally try, but I can see the appeal for some men.

I'm of the opinion that you should just let the lesbians be. I like nailing lesbians as much as the next guy, but you take the lesbian status away from them and you basically steal their essence. If you make Ellen not be a lesbian, she’s not allowed to be a comedian anymore. It’s in her contract. Not only would the world lose a lesbian, but it would also lose a lesbian comedian. Don’t take that away from me.

So to that end, that’s why the hair is kept a little shorter. Dudes like chicks with longer hair. I’m not just talking about on womens heads, I’m talking everywhere. The average dude’s dream girl has their pubes and ass hair grown out long enough so that it both areas can be braided. It’s like having sex handlebars.

Wait, I guess I misspoke. Armpit hair is downright disgusting. I knew this chick once that had this nasty armpit hair that was longer AND thicker than mine. It looked like a fucking cat crawled up under her arms and died like 2 years ago. And there was always shit stuck in it like lint and gum and stuff. Then some dude came by one day and cut all the hair out of one of her pits and glued it to his face so he could have a goatee. You don’t want to hang around with guys like that. If my face smelled like an armpit, I’d kill myself. But back hair is alright.

Forgive my tangent. What I'm trying to get at is that shorter lesbian hair acts like a deterrent for unwanted male advancements. It’s kind of the first line of defense to keep assholes from coming up and trying to hit on a lesbian. Like one of those guys that just doesn’t get the picture. Like the kind that comes up and says, “Hey, you remind me of my Mom. Why don’t you come over and touch my cock?” Then you’re like, “Dude, I’m a dude go away..... wait, whats in it for me.” That shit never ends up good. You wake up the next morning with a dead raccoon on your chest with some dead transvestite midget in a sombrero laying next to you. Then you say you don’t remember SHIT from last night. But you really do. And that’s why you don’t go to bars anymore.

But the insanity doesn’t stop there. There’s another group of people that want to have their way with lesbians: the bulldykes.


Alright, I know I’m skipping ahead a little bit and that may be blowing your mind, but I have to say something right now just to clear the air. Lesbians in all shapes and forms are awesome. But bulldykes scare the fucking shit out of me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love bulldykes. And I especially love watching them slather butter all over each other while making out in a kiddie pool. But I kind of love them in the same way I love black dudes: I like looking at them, reading about them, and fantasizing about them... but I don’t ever want to cross one in real life. Those bastards are crazy!

Look, I’m just saying that I really do like being alive. If I wasn’t alive, I couldn’t eat White Castle anymore. That would be a fucking shame. Unless the Scientologists are right. Hey, I love Tom Cruise, so I hope they are. Woah, I just blew my own mind! I’d jump into a lesbian body!!!! Now I can't wait till I die!

So in a nutshell, bulldykes are awesome. But scary as fuck. It’s not AS bad if you’re a lesbian and all, but they don’t like being tricked/confused. What if a lesbian looked like a dude? We’re talking dead lesbians. It’d be like that movie where the truck driver ripped off that guys jaw. Nobody wants that shit. How are you going to eat without your jaw? It just doesn’t make any sense.

That’s why the hair has to be a little longer. If you’re a lesbian, you can’t go around looking like a dude. That is, unless you draw a mustache on yourself and you try to pick up straight chicks. I got a boner just thinking about that: some lesbian running around like mad trying to steal sweet sex from straight women. Like the Hamburgler of Poon.

Hamburglar of poon

Bulldykes are basically the polar opposite of dudes on the lesbian spectrum. It’s like same but different. Seriously, in most cases you can put a big fat dude with a mullet up on stage with a bulldyke and you would most likely not know the difference. Even if they took off their pants, you still wouldn’t know. Think about it, some dude is so fat that the fat rolls just kind of roll over his dick.

Don’t laugh, because that shit happens. My friend, we’ll just call him Rob, got shit faced one night and decided that he was going to fuck some fat chick and picked up this fat, nasty, greasy thing passed out in the corner. I thought it was dead, but I saw its nostrils flare when some girl walked by with french fries.

So Rob somehow got this thing home and into his bed and decided he was gonna go to town. So he started licking its nipples and stuff, and then he hopped on and tried to bang it. He tried to pop it in the butt, but there was a bulbous fortress of fat around the butthole and there was no way Rob was gonna penetrate that. You would need at least a 5 inch cock to even touch the rim of the butt hole for that.

So then he tried to nail it proper. That’s when things got scary. The Thing woke up! AND IT WAS A GUY!!!! Rob couldn’t tell because the dude was talking and kind of had what I call the “Gordy Voice.” Like his voice never dropped or something if/when it went through puberty. Then the bomb dropped, the guy was GAY! He was in fat guy heaven with Rob licking his belly button hole, and he got a boner.

You could BARELY see the tip of it emerge through the fat pocket that was all around the boner so Rob didn’t see it. But he was a champ and just pushed it in. It looked like a nightmare. Think about it: like a dick poking into a dude’s fat pocket... seriously. But it was worse. Rob penetrated the pee-hole. His dick was in the fat dude’s dick. I threw up all over what was going on in front of me pretty much right away, and that just made it worse. I got it all on tape.

Pro Tip!!! Wanna know if a fat thing is a dude or a bulldyke, ALWAYS feel around. Never go by sight.

Lesbians don’t want that shit in their lives. Lesbians will ONLY go at it with the occasional straight chick, lesbos, and dykes. There is NO wiggle room on this in the Lesbian Code. And even though they CAN get banged by a guy once every 2 years, they don’t. Oh, and they generally don’t have to worry much about bulldykes trying to rape them or anything since they're only attracted to chicks with buzz cuts and mullets.


Like I said, the hair length is important for the survival of the typical lesbian. I bet you thought I was crazy when I brought this up. Well fuck you, I’m not crazy. There’s a lot of stuff in this world that people just take for granted. All things are a certain way for a reason. It’s balance. Ugly people are around to make the hotties look better. Fags are here to help straight men make better fashion choices. And retards are here to wrangle carts at the grocery store.

Lesbians are here to be like a buffer between the run of the mill lesbos and the bat shit crazy dyke/bulldyke world. Lesbians are the ones that you see on TV like on Ellen, Rosie, and Real Sex. They are the face of the lesbian world. Rosie surprised the shit out of me, by the way. She was in the movie Exit to Eden. Should have been Exit: Your Boner.

Yeah, I saw all those commercials with Rosie in the leather outfit and the half naked people running around; I thought I was in for a real treat. What did I get? Bullshit. Seriously, here’s what I remember: Dan Aykroyd not busting ghosts, some pretty hot red headed chick’s nipple, and Rosie whipping some dudes. Way to drop the ball.

Here’s how you make it better. Keep Rosie, but that semi almost in shape version of Rosie, add in a bunch of naked lesbos just running around. Except they all gotta have like a nice rack. Except for one. And she has to have some other type of deformity, too. Like she’s an amputee or something.

So Rosie chases them all around with like whips and syrup then they all start to wrestle. Then the amputee girl with no tits starts to bang somebody with her stump. Then the “Toasty” guy from Mortal Kombat pops up and Rosie explodes, but when the smoke clears you realize that Rosie is really Megan Fox. And she’s a lesbian.

The End. See, I went to film school. I know how to make a movie.

But that’s neither here nor there. The point is lesbians have taken on the responsibility to being the face of the lesbian community as a whole. That’s why they get on stuff like Real Sex. I mean, really, if you take away the lesbian parts of that show, it’s really not worth watching.

That’s all smart thinking by the lesbians to make themselves look cooler than they already are. Lets be honest, have you ever watched Real Sex? I’ve been watching it religiously since I was like 10 years old waiting for something awesome, and it never materializes.

In fact, it turned me off of sex until I was 24 years old. But I still get pumped every time it comes on. My ritual is I make sure my son is in bed no later than 5 PM so I have no distractions. Then I strip down until I'm only wearing brown dress socks and I eat an entire meatloaf while chanting lyrics from Guns N Roses songs. While I eat and chant, I jerk off till I cum like 5 times. Usually that last burst will take about 30 minutes to rub out. Then I take a shit.

The key here is to stay in the bathroom for at least 2 hours, with the idea being you’ll finish up around the same time that the show starts. I prefer to be naked, but that’s not really different from any other time I take a crap.

Pro Tip!!! Getting naked to crap helps the flow, but beware of evil homeless people trying to steal your clothes while crapping in public washrooms.

I then jerk off one last time to make sure I’m ready. If I do everything right, nothing but dust comes out when I cum. The point behind this is to be able to jerk off for the entire show. The second you cum, the shame of it all starts to set in, and you clean up and change the channel. I wont have that. It’s a sign of weakness.

But in the end, it’s always a waste. The first thing they always show are a bunch of old fat people at some trailer park nudist colony, and the boner is gone. And it never gets better. Stripping contests with some "woman" that looks like her mom fucked the elephant man, expose’s about some wrinkled up 100 year old bitch that shoots porn, and dudes fucking dolls. Holy shit, that’s not what I want to watch after a hard day of work.

Usually by the end, I have to turn on my mom’s Denise Austin tapes or something to feel like the night was actually worth while. Except when they got lesbians on. Usually they’re not really the hottest lesbian per se, but you gotta take what you can get when you’re watching Real Sex. At least I can finish when they’re on. See, lesbians make EVERYTHING better.


Respecting this holiest of holy days, there will be no Friday Lesbian Handbook update. That said, have a solemn Black Friday



What you don’t know is that lesbians are people just like you and me. We all have a lot in common when it comes down to it. First, and most obvious, is that we all love lesbians. That’s like the glue that keeps society together. The only people that don’t like lesbians are Sarah Palin and Keanu Reeves.

And for the record: Sarah Palin, her completely asinine views aside, is pretty hot. Too bad she wasn’t a lesbian. If she was, I bet you she’d be president right now. Her and McCain would have won, then he’d realize how intensely awesome it was that he has a lesbian as his Vice President and get a hard on that lasted for like 10 days and die.

Pro Tip!!! If you get a boner that won’t go away, don’t try to pop it. Sadness will ensue.

Keanu Reeves, on the other hand, just plain doesn’t like the idea of lesbians. He tasted vag once and didn’t like it so he doesn’t see what the big deal is. Don’t worry, though, I’m working on showing him the light.

Aside from that, lesbians love hamburgers. That’s why it’s impossible to be a vegetarian lesbian. If some gross hippie bitch comes up to you and says she’s a vegetarian and you shouldn’t be eating your White Castle, well.... she’s a bitch. Then, I guarantee she’s gonna try to say that “oh.... you’re a gross man” blah blah blah... “I’m a lesbian.”

Here’s your response: Punch her in the fucking stomach. You are face to face with a lying bitch, sir. As she bends over and starts puking blood and urine, you need to give her a fucking elbow drop to the small of the back.

Pro Tip!!! The one good thing George W. Bush did as president was make it legal to punch people that lie about being a lesbian.

Don’t feel bad about hitting a woman. All women that lie are really just extremely skinny dudes. Emo kids, if you will. Women don’t lie. Especially hot women. When you're way out of your league girlfriend tells you that Franco down at the gym was just giving her private push-up lessons, don’t doubt her.

Anyway, yeah, lesbians fucking love to eat hamburgers. It doesn’t even matter where the burger comes from, but when it come to fast food they prefer to get them from White Castle. That is the most logical choice in the end.

Speaking of White Castle, did you ever notice that it smells the same coming out that it does going in? Usually when I have to take a crap, I make sure I have the garbage can ready in case I have to start barfing from the smell. Not so when I eat White Castle.

That’s the weird thing, when I crap the day after eating there it makes my mouth water. I always have to stand up and check to make sure that I’m not just pooping out brand new, pristine burgers that I can just eat again. I always wonder if it taste’s as good as it smells, but I’m always afraid to check. Like I’ll wipe and smell the toilet paper and think about how awesome it MIGHT taste, but I never take the next step.

One day, I think somebody will. It will be like when Lance Armstrong rode his bike to the moon for the first time. Boundaries will be broken and the balance in the world will shift. One meal will be able to feed you for days... if not months. I am ready for this brave new world. But I won’t be the first dude to eat White Castle shit.

But lesbian hamburger love doesn't start and end with White Castle. No, home made burgers are where the real party is. It could be burger patties that they just buy at Aldi, or it could be burgers that they slap together by themselves with a pound of ground beef.


Typical lesbian parties involve cooking burgers on the grill and telling stories about fisting and stuff. Then they all get together and have an eating contest to see who could make and eat the best burger the fastest. Then they have an orgy. But don’t worry, they put the food away first.

I had one of those parties on my own once. I invited the handicapped kid from next door over so I knew that I’d win and we had the cook off. I won by making an awesome burger with an over easy egg and some mustard. I'm telling you it's the best thing ever and now the real reason why I love hamburgers. This thing changed my life. The retarded kid just made one with like grass from the back yard and fed it to my dog. I told him he did a good job, though.

Maybe that's why I know so much about lesbians. We share that common bond. The bond of burger. I’ve been trying to figure out for the longest time how I truly came to have this deep understanding of lesbian culture, and I think I just found it. True, Fat Kid Rock’s bag of porn was the first step along this road, but maybe burgers are what have been the driving force all along.

See, it's a widely known fact that all lesbians survive on a diet that consists of hamburgers, cinnamon buns, and Bubble Yum. "But what about the Vegans?" Fuck them. Don’t you remember that I said there’s no such thing as a lesbian vegetarian? Are you fucking stupid or something? There's no such thing as vegans, anyway. The government made them up to make you buy more meat. I read it on the internet.

See, they knew that all the crazy meat eaters would get all crazy if they thought there was somebody out there that wouldn't touch animal products. It was the government that created the vegan threat to get those crazy hillbilly's all up in a cracker rage so they would buy up a lot of meat to protest the vegans. It worked too. Don't underestimate crazy hillbilly's.

My hillbilly neighbors are fucking stupid. They mow their lawn like every day and they always pretend to be working on their cars. And they love cats. They got tons of them. Sometimes I worry that they’re maybe selling them to Panda Express or something.

The best was this one time that my friend parked his car in front of their house. Only problem was that they just planted grass where he was parking and they like got crazy pissed and started to come over to the car. My friend freaked out and gunned it and was flinging mud everywhere. Then he drove around the block and was afraid of the hillbillys, so he dropped me off a street away from my house and went home. I had to walk to the house with a burrito. It was a scary walk.

But all you little girls out there that are looking in the mirror and feeling your boobs saying, "Lord Jesus, please let me be a lesbian," don't worry. You don't have to pray to Christ for a wild fling with a chick that looks like Earthquake. Just eat some burgers and wait for the tuna train to stop into town.

I think it has something to do with a unique, burger fueled "vag smell" that is only noticeable to the lesbians. Kind of like how like your cat goes crazy so you make her go outside, and next thing you know you look out the window and there's like 5 cats humping little Ms. Chop Suey

PS, that's one of the most awesome things in the world. You think your parents have loud sex? Get yourself a cat and stick her outside when she goes into heat. It's like the best porno ever. Only it's not a porno. Yeah dude, there's really a big ass cat laying pipe in your baby. WIN!

Lesbians also like to watch The L Word. Surprise surprise, I like to watch it too. I always thought Showtime was pretty lame until I heard that they had a lesbian show on. I was immediately converted to the joys of Showtime. Seriously, what does HBO have to combat lesbians? I have a hint for you: Nothing.


I didn’t know what it was at first. I figured that The L Word had to be something retarded in typical Showtime fashion like being a show about librarians or something. There’s nothing cool about librarians. Hmm... Unless:

1.You are Conan the Librarian from UHF

2.You ask me to check your Dewey Decimal System

3.You’re a lesbian.

In all cases, except for Conan the Librarian, she needs to wear Tina fey style glasses and be wearing a small, tight fitting business dress. I don’t even give a shit if it’s a guy wearing it since that would just make it more interesting.

Who the fuck would want to watch a show about librarians? Maybe you’re grandma or Georgie the pederast. What the hell kind of drama could you have in a show like that? Homeless Frank just came by and jizzed in the National Geographic again? I wouldn’t watch that. Not unless.... no I wouldn’t watch that.

But a show about lesbians, well now you’re speaking my language. If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out. Here’s like a typical episode of The L Word:

Some hot lesbian walks out of the bathroom naked and says that she’s going to take a shower and wants some company. Then lesbians just pop up out of nowhere, like out of plants and through windows and stuff and they all get naked and take a shower. And L Word (the show is named after her) has this huge bathroom with a giant shower head that looms over all of them. And Doobie Brother’s music plays for the whole scene.

Then Arnold Schwarzenegger busts through a wall and starts shaking all the naked lesbians and crying. He slings 4 of them over his shoulder and runs out of the window with them. He’s naked, too.

Then L Word chases after them on her flying glitter bike and shoots dildos at him with her dong gun. At this point Arnold is riding Danny Devito and they fly into the ocean and Arnold uses him like a Jet Ski. They start to break away fast and you think all is lost for L Word, then she throws a burger at Arnold and he stops and eats it and gives back the girls. Then the “Toasty” guy pops up and Arnold blows up, and when the smoke clears, it’s Megan Fox. And she’s a lesbian. The End.

Here’s the best part, it’s the same show pretty much every week. You would think that it gets old, but it doesn’t. Between L Word, Naked Arnold, and Toasty guy, it’s like heaven is being broadcast on my TV. The only thing that would make it better is if Doc Holliday showed up and shot somebody with a gun made of eyebrow hair.

Let me tell you what else lesbians like: kids. Lesbians love to have kids and be around them. Usually they don’t like to actually give birth or anything, they prefer to adopt. They’re not like Madonna, though. She’s kind of scary with her crap.


Every country in the world has made it illegal to let Madonna adopt a child in their borders. Every country, that is, except for the USA. The problem there is that Madonna doesn’t want to have a kid from America. Doing something that normal is against her religion or something, so she has instead begun stealing kids from third world countries. I heard this rumor that she’s using their life force to help her fight off the aging process. Sadly, it’s starting to catch up to her whether she likes it or not.

Lesbians aren’t that crazy. They just want to have a little one around. Nothing wrong with that. Except when that little one decides to smear shit all over the bathroom at school and then piss on the floor in his bedroom for 2 months.

So where do they get the kids from? The most popular place for lesbians to get kids from is Vietnam. I don’t know why, that’s just the way it is. Then they name the kids either Lucy, Sue, or Charlie. If you see a little Asian kid running around and he doesn’t say his name is like Chung Pa Leou, then his mom is probably a lesbian.

There is another way for lesbians to get kids, too. That is to get some sperm from David Crosby. In fact, David Crosby is the father of 67.4% of all children with lesbian mothers.

There are a few ways to come across Crosby’s jizz, and how you get it in you all comes down to a matter of taste. The most exciting way is to go out and capture a David Crosby in the wild. You have to go from bar to bar chasing him down. Once you find him, you need to begin the long process of luring him into your van or wagon.

The most popular bait to use is a potent form of Predator Heroin. Surprisingly, it takes a lot more coaxing that you’d expect, but he will follow. Sometimes you need to sweeten the deal with some Jagermeister or some candy or something, but once he’s in the car, you gotta move quick. DON’T let him take the heroin. This will not help the cause and may spawn some health issues with the baby. I’m sure you knew a crack baby in school, right? You don’t want to have one of those.

Now you need to knock him out. I recommend hitting him in the head with an aluminum bat.

If you don’t have one handy, then you should grab an impact baton or something. If you don’t knock him out, you’re going have some major trouble. He’ll start bucking like a horse and try to bite your back. The Crosby does not appreciate being led on with heroin.

From there, it’s up to you to decide how to get his semen. Being a lesbian and all, having sex with him might not be in your best interest. Plus, this is David Crosby we’re talking about. I don’t really know if I need to go into to much detail here for fear of putting an awful image of Crosby jacking off in your crack.

Oops, there it is...


If you’re not feeling that adventurous and would prefer that Crosby didn’t see your vagina, there is another way: The Crosby Foundation. Back in 1994, David Crosby, with the help of Graham Nash, set up the Foundation as a way to have his jizz made available for any and all takers for a small fee.

This is a great way to have a child without the nasty side effects like sexual contact and the clap. You send him money and he mails you a cup of jizz. And this isn’t one of those fly by night places that just sends you a cup of shampoo and spit. I’ve been fooled by those places one too many times.

No, you are guaranteed to receive 100% pure seed of David Crosby. This is all possible because Crosby doesn’t really have anything else to do these days except jerk off. He even does it during his concerts. He’ll be up there playing Cowboy Movie or something and just slink out his dick and start tugging on it.

The difference between Crosby and most other guys is that he doesn’t just waste all his cum. You and I may just rub in on our stomach or eat it, but he jacks off in Dixie cups and keeps it all in his freezer. And he’s been doing that for like 30 years, he just never made it public knowledge.

One day he realized that people love his cum, so he decided to start selling it. For $20 you get 2 cups of it and a complementary toothbrush. Sometimes he’ll even walk it over to your house for you. Hope that this doesn’t happen in your case, because he will NOT leave your house. He just kind of stands around looking at your crotch like he’s waiting for you to rub it in. I kind of feel sorry for the guy. Seriously, what else is he gonna do? Just give him a sandwich or something and he’ll eventually just go away.

Pro Tip!!! Crosby’s jizz is a great source of protein. Be sure to try a Crosby Power Slush. Delicious and nutritious.

What’s that you say? You want to know more about lesbians? Tough shit, that’s all there is. If anybody tells you that there’s more to lesbians that that, stab them in the hand.

Because they’re a fucking liar.



And that is the end of the "Lesbian" chapter. I would love to show you more, and I may in the future. This has just scratched the surface of what awaits you in the full Lesbian Handbook