The Science of Fat


Long has man walked the Earth.  Thousands of years of evolution and learning have brought us to this point.  This, my brothers, is the pinnacle of human life.  No, I have misspoken.  The pinnacle of humanity was last year. 

Yes dear friends, you hear me correctly.  Begin storing clean water.  Start your stockpile of canned goods, for anarchy is all that awaits us. 

What's this?  You say you want proof?  Dear brother, is my word no longer good enough for you?  Do you not know that when I speak, the only words that billow out of my mouth are those of the true lord, Jehaezues?  Though I am hurt, I can sympathize with your mistrust.  This, dear friend, was a picture taken the day after the pinnacle of humanity:

Do you not see it?  Do you not see the reflection of de-evolution in his mighty glasses?  He can no longer function as well as he could the day before.  That day, the greatest day of all time, he was on a diet.  He had hopes.  He had dreams.  For though he could occaisoinally feel his penis, he in fact had never seen it.  It became is lifes quest to bear witness to his manhood.  For he was a firm believer in the fact that seeing is truly believing.

But, my most cherished friend, you should not believe everything you see.  This is the vision that came to him the night of May 23, 2007.  Surely this was a devious dream planted by the devious Grigas, but this is just conjecture, my love.  A seed planted by the Grigas or not, this revelation is true. 

And thus the end of all things has begun.  For poor Jimothy has nothing to live for.  Witness the longing in his face as he builds the strength to devour his sandwich of grease.  His dreams squashed under the weight of his heaving breasts.  On the morn of the 24th, he resigned to his fate; dooming humanity.  He spreads his venom to all porcine peoples that will hear him. 

And hear him they do.  Every week, most doltish brother, they fall by the thousands.  Like poor Jimothy, they cannot wear conventional eyewear due to the girth of their pate.  Yet they know they most shield their eyes from the glares of the children.  They must eat so the grinding din of their oversized jaws drown out the cries of the meek.

And as they lumber aimlessly through the plazas in search of food and 6X shirts, we most live in fear, friend.  For the ground crumbles and their thirst for flesh is insatiable.  Jimothy will triumph, and we will be dust.