Rocky Balboa - A Synopsis


Once upon a time, there was Rocky 5.  People that like Rocky movies contend that this movie never happened.  People like me that LOVE Rocky will acknowledge it's existence. But even I won't buy that turd (yet).  Well, it seems like Stallone doesn't admit to that movie, either.  If he did, Rocky Balboa would not be possible.

See, in Rocky V, Rocky came back from Russia retarded and unable to fight.  Then Uncle Pauly bought a bunch of porn or some shit and made Rocky bankrupt.  They even had to sell Rocky's rad robot.  Then he got in a fight with Tommy Gunn, who ended up having AIDS, thus spreading his filthy secret onto Rocky, slowly killing him for years to come. 

So how would Rocky Balboa be possible?  Well, Rocky V was really a horrible dream by an autistic Rocky fan as he looked into a snow globe.  That's where Rocky Balboa picks up (you can see the remnants of the globe during Dixon's knockout in the first scene!)

So Rocky isn't really retarded now.  Because he ended the Cold War in Rocky IV, he was given a bunch of money and he opened a restaurant that he named after his wife.  Unfortunately, she made fun of his droopy face, so he threw her down the stairs.  When he saw she wasn't dead, he stabbed her in the temple with his Botox needle, ending her run as Mrs. Rocky Balboa.  He told people she died of cancer. 

He stopped boxing because the grief associated with the killing of his best friend, Apollo Creed, finally overcame him.  Though he still stays pen pals with Ivan Drago (The Creed Killer), he still harbors deep seeded resentment and plans how to poison him with radioactive materials.

After a televised round of Fight Night Round 2 ends in 10 year old Billy Jacobs playing as Rocky defeating 23 year old Timmy Wentworth as Mason Dixon, Dixon goes into a Hulk rage and DEMANDS Rocky fight him. 

Dixon, along with his manager Robert E. Lee, get a fight set up. Rocky cries and Pauly reveals that he's an Indian.

After some talking and Rocky hitting on some girl's son, he ends up in Vegas.  We wakes up naked in a cheap hotel with a dead hooker and some predator heroine and a note saying that if he doesn't win the fight, they're gonna dig up Mickey and use him, Walter Mathau, and Jack Lemmon as puppets to act out Grumpy Old Men 3. 

All hell breaks lose when Rocky's son is kidnapped and he's forced to arm wrestle Thunderlips to regain custody.  In the mean time, Mason Dixon is fucking all the white women he can get his hands on.

Eventually they fight and Rocky gets cryogenically frozen to fight in the future and capture Wesley Snipes.

Score: 3 out of 6.  I acutally thought it was pretty good, not great, but not bad.  I'll buy it.  Mostly because I love Rocky movies.  A HELL of a lot better than 5.